English text
Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. That way you'll get it out of your system." Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and yelled at him: "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim at his head!" Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the psychiatrist said. "Why?" "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
English variant — jive
Sam went t'his psychiatrist complainin' uh a hatred fo' elephants. "I kin't stand elephants," he 'esplained. "I honky jibe awake nights despisin' dem. 'S coo', bro. De dought uh an elephant fills me wid loadin'." "Sam," said da damn psychiatrist, "dere's only one wahtahmellun fo' ya' t'do. Go t'Africa, o'ganize some safari, find an elephant in de jungle and shoot it. Dat way ya''ll git it out uh yo' system. 'S coo', bro." Sam immediately made arrangements fo' some safari hunt in Africa, invitin' his best homey t'join him. 'S coo', bro. Dey arrived in Nairobi and lost no time gittin' out on de jungle trails. Afta' dey had been huntin' fo' several days, Sam's best homey grabbed him by de arm one mo'nin' and yelled at him, dig dis: "Sam, Sam, Sam. Right On! Ova' dere behind dat tree dere's and elephant. Right On! Sam -- Get yo' gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- de rifle wid de longer barrel. Right On! Now aim it. Right On! QUICK. Right On! SAM. Right On! QUICK. Right On! No. Right On! Not dat way -- dis way. Right On! Be sho' nuff ya' duzn't jerk de trigger. Right On! Wait SAM. Right On! Don't let him see ya'. Right On! Aim at his 'haid. Right On! " Sam whirled around, took aim, and wasted his homey. He wuz put in prison and his psychiatrist flew t'Africa t'visit him. 'S coo', bro. "I sent ya' over here t'kill an elephant and instead ya' shoot yo' best homey," de psychiatrist said. "Why?" "Sheeit," Sam replied, "dere's only one wahtahmellun in de wo'ld dat I hate mo'e dan elephants and dat be a loudmoud know-it-all. Right On! "
English variant — valspeak
Sam went to his psychiatrist complainin' of a hatred for elephants. "I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despisin' them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathin'." "Sam," said thuh psychiatrist, like, wow, "there's only one thin' for you to do. Go to Africa, like, wow, organize a safari, man, find an elephant in thuh jungle and shoot it. That way you'll get it out of your system." Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, invitin' his best friend to join that dude. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no time gettin' out on thuh jungle trails. After they had been huntin' for several days, like, Sam's best friend grabbed that dude by thuh arm one mornin' and yelled at him: "Sam, like, Sam, man, Sam! Gag me with a pitchfork! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! Oh, wow! Sam -- Get your gun -- no, mostly, no, like, not THAT gun -- thuh rifle with thuh longer barrel! Gag me with a SPOOOOON! Now aim it! Oh, wow! QUICK! Oh, wow! SAM! Gag me with a pitchfork! QUICK! Gag me with a pitchfork! No! Gag me with a SPOOOOON! Not that way -- this way! Gag me with a pitchfork! Be sure you don't jerk thuh trigger! Oh, wow! Wait SAM! Gag me with a pitchfork! Don't let that dude see you! Gag me with a SPOOOOON! Aim at his head! Gag me with a SPOOOOON!" Sam whirled around, fer shure, took aim, mostly, and killed his friend. That dude was put in prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit that dude. "I sent you over here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the psychiatrist said. "Why?" "Well," Sam replied, oh, baby, "there's only one thin' in thuh world that I hate more than elephants and that is ya know, like, a loudmouth know-it-all! Oh, wow!"