English text
Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you come back. Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
English variant — jive
Wood be highly ecological, since trees are some renewable resource. What it is, Mama! If ya' cut waaay down some tree, anoda' gots'ta grow in its place. What it is, Mama! And if ya' cut waaay down de new tree, still anoda' gots'ta grow. And if ya' cut waaay down dat tree, yet anoda' gots'ta grow, only dis one gots'ta be some mutashun wid long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it gots'ta sit dere in de fo'est, cacklin' and makin' elabo'ate plans fo' when ya' come back. Wood heat be not new. It dates back t'a day millions uh years ago, when some grodown uh cavemen wuz sittin' around, watchin' dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightnin' struck some nearby log and set it on fire. What it is, Mama! One uh de cavemen stared at da damn fire fo' some few minutes, den said, dig dis: "Hey. Right On! Wood heat. Right On! " De oda' cavemen, who dun did not dig it English, immediately whup' him t'dead wid stones. But da damn key discovery had been made, and fum dat day fo'ward, de cavemen had all de heat dey needed, aldough deir insurance rates went way down. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
English variant — valspeak
Wood is like, ya know, highly ecological, mostly, since trees are a renewable resource. If you cut down a tree, oh, baby, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down thuh new tree, like, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, mostly, yet another will grow, like, wow, only this one will be a mutation with long, oh, baby, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, oh, baby, and it will sit there in thuh forest, man, cacklin' and makin' elaborate plans for when you come back. Wood heat is like wow! not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sittin' around, fer shure, watchin' dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, like, wow, lightnin' struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at thuh fire for a few minutes, like, then said: "Hey! Oh, wow! Wood heat! Oh, wow!" The other cavemen, fer shure, who did not understand English, oh, baby, immediately beat that dude to death with stones. Man, the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, like, wow, the cavemen had all thuh heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up. -- Dave Barry, like, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"