English text
HARVARD: Quarterback: Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. Wide Receiver: The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of those times. YALE: Defense: On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening coin toss. -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
English variant — jive
HARVARD: Quarterback, dig dis: Sophomo'e Dave Strewzinski. Ya' know?.. likess t'pass. And pass he duz, wid a reco'd 86 attempts (dree compleshuns) in 87 plays.... Dough Strewzinski has so's far failed t'sco'e any points fo' de Crimson, his Buckwheatrabbit speed has made him de least sacked quarterback in de Ivy league. What it is, Mama! Wide Receiver, dig dis: De oda' direcshunal signal in Harvard's offensive machine be senio' Phil Yip, who be very fast. Yip be so fast dat he gots'ta set some reco'd fo' bein' fast. Expect t'see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into de endzone five o' six times, his average fo' some game. What it is, Mama! Yip, nickdojiggerd "fumblefin'ers" and "ya' asshole" by his teammates, hopes t'carry de ball wid him at least one of dose times. YALE: Defense, dig dis: On de defensive side, Yale boasts de stin'iest line in de Ivies. Primarily responsible are senio's Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron Finklestein, de tightest ends in recent Eli histo'y. Slap mah fro! Also contributin' to de powerful defense be junio' tackle Angus MacWhirter, some Scotsman who rounds out da damn offensive ednic joke. What it is, Mama! Look fo' dese dree t'shut waaay down de openin' coin toss. -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at De Game
English variant — valspeak
HARVARD: Quarterback: Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, like, with a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski has so far failed to score any points for thuh Crimson, man, his jackrabbit speed has made that dude the least sacked quarterback in thuh Ivy league. Wide Receiver: The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is like wow! senior Phil Yip, fer shure, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for bein' fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into thuh endzone five or six times, like, his average for a game. Yip, like, nicknamed "fumblefin'ers" and "you asshole" by his teammates, like, hopes to carry thuh ball with that dude at least one of those times. YALE: Defense: On thuh defensive side, man, Yale boasts thuh stin'iest line in thuh Ivies. Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron Finklestein, man, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributin' to the powerful defense is like wow! junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, like, a Scotsman who rounds out thuh offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down thuh openin' coin toss. -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, mostly, distributed at The Game