English text
Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took *thousands* of words to say it. Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a major world power. I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me." Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize nature and will kill you. * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy. -- Dave Barry
English variant — jive
Sheeit, anyway, ah' wuz eyeballin' dis James Bond scribblin', and right away ah' realized dat likes most scribblin's, it had too many wo'ds. De plot wuz de same one dat all James Bond scribblin's gots': An evil sucka' tries t'blow down de wo'ld, but James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love t'several attractive honky chicks. Dere, dat's it, dig dis: 24 wo'ds. But da damn guy who wrote da damn scribblin' took *dousands* uh wo'ds t'say it. Or consida' "De Broders Karamazov", by de famous Russian alcoholic Fyodo' Dostoyevsky. Slap mah fro! It's about dese two broders who kill deir fader. Ah be baaad... Or maybe only one uh dem kills de fader. Ah be baaad... It's impossible t'tell a'cuz whut dey mostly do be rap fo' nearly some dousand pages. If all Russians rap as much as de Karamazovs dun did, ah' duzn't see how dey found time t'become a majo' wo'ld power. Ah be baaad... I'm told dat Dostoyevsky wrote "De Broders Karamazov" t'raise de quesshun uh wheda' dere be a God. So why dun didn't he plum come right out and say, dig dis: "Is dere some God? It sho' nuff whup's de heck out uh me. What it is, Mama!" Oda' famous wo'ks could easily gots' been summarized in some few wo'ds, dig dis: * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around wid large whales cuz' dey symbolize nature and gots'ta kill ya'. * "A Tale uh Two Cities" -- French sucka's are crazy. Slap mah fro! -- Dave Barry
English variant — valspeak
Well, fer shure, anyway, oh, baby, I was readin' this James Bond book, mostly, and right away I realized that like most books, oh, baby, it had too many words. The plot was ya know, like, the same one that all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up thuh world, man, but James Bond kills that dude and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive women. Like, there, mostly, that's it: 24 words. Man, the dude who wrote thuh book took *thousands* of words to say it. Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", fer shure, by thuh famous Russian alcoholic Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. Or maybe only one of them kills thuh father. It's impossible to tell because what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk as much as thuh Karamazovs did, man, I don't see how they found time to become a major world power. I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats thuh heck out of me." Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: * "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with awesum whales because they symbolize nature and will kill you. * "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French guys are crazy. -- Dave Barry