English text
A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential." Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him. -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
English variant — jive
A eyeballa' repo'ts dat when de patient died, de attendin' docto' reco'ded da damn followin' on de patient's chart, dig dis: "Patient failed t'fulfill his sheeitness potential." Anoda' docto' repo'ts dat in some recent issue uh de *American Journal of Family Practice* fleas wuz called "hematophagous ardropod vecto's." A eyeballa' repo'ts dat da damn Army calls dem "vertically deployed anti- sucka'nel devices." You's probably call dem bombs. At McClellan Air Fo'ce base in Sacramento, Califo'nia, civilian mechanics wuz placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." Dat is, dey wuz fired. Afta' takin' de trip uh a lifetime, our eyeballa' sent his twelve rolls of film t'Kodak fo' developin' (o' "processin'," as Kodak likess t'call it) only t'receive da damn followin' notice, dig dis: "We must repo't dat durin' de handlin' of yo' twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide o'ders, de films wuz involved in an unusual labo'ato'y 'espuh'ience. What it is, Mama!" De use uh de passive be a particularly supa' fine touch, duzn't ya' dink? Nobody dun did anydin' t'de films; dey plum had some bad-ass 'sperience. What it is, Mama! Of course our eyeballa' can always go back t'Tibet and snatch his pictures all ova' again, usin' de twelve replacement rolls Kodak so's generously sent him. 'S coo', bro. -- Quarterly Review uh Doublespeak (NCTE)
English variant — valspeak
A reader reports that when thuh patient died, like, the attendin' doctor recorded thuh followin' on thuh patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential." Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of thuh *American Journal of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." A reader reports that thuh Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, like, California, man, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, man, non-pay status." That is, like, wow, they were fired. After takin' thuh trip of a lifetime, like, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developin' (or "processin'," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive thuh followin' notice: "Us guys must report that durin' thuh handlin' of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, like, wow, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of thuh passive is a particularly class touch, fer shure, don't you think? Nobody did anythin' to thuh films; they just had a mean experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, man, usin' thuh twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent that dude. -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)